FIREPLACE
The grand brick fireplace has lit itself, the deep red and orange flames viciously trying to escape the confines of their hearth. Rather than warming the dark confines of the house, the fire just seems to devour what little warmth there still is. Out of reach of the fire, the mantle above provides a perch for the neighbor’s handbag. The portrait of Mr. McDermott has fallen, partially revealing the holes hidden behind it.
You carefully examine the holes behind the fallen portrait of Mr. McDermott. In one of the smaller holes, the one previously covered by the right eye, you notice a small folded bit of parchment.
It reads:
“The tried one finds it hardly fun,
Sixty in an hour, and three fourths are done.”
You carefully remove the handbag from the mantle and empty it out. Inside, there’s a pamphlet:
As you inspect the handbag, something moves out of the corner of your eye. Ashes slip from the fireplace and begin to swirl about out of reach of the flames, filling the air with a dusty haze before molding itself into the shape of the elderly neighbor, Birdie.
“Oh, it’s you, the academic. Well look here! There’s been another murder!”
“That little girl may not have been alive, but she was here, and now she’s not! Why are you looking at me like that? You can’t possibly think I had anything to do with it! I may have pushed for stricter punishment for the McDermott children, but nothing like this! Those kids needed a steadying hand, like I did when I was young. I bet you never would’ve guessed I was also a bit of a rapscallion at Elsie’s age. Well I was, and my interference only came from a place of caring. Plus, having the little hellion remind me so much of myself, growing up in the house I did, she felt like family, and I felt obligated to step in from time to time when her and her brother’s shenanigans got out of hand.“
“Let me think. Once everyone arrived home all at once, there was quite a bit of confusion. No one seemed to care that I was there, but I was used to such discourtesy. Vera snuck away, and as I was about to follow her I was interrupted by her sister-in-law, Jane. Vera returned with a tray full of cocoa cups, and I politely accepted one. That was my mistake, I take it. I was in the middle of telling Vera all about how Elsie must have made off with that gnome of mine when she awkwardly collapsed to the ground! I looked around and everyone was gone except for Aunt Jane! Where had they all sidled off to? No doubt to conspire! I started to feel a bit unwell myself, and darted out into the hall to catch them in the act! Unfortunately, no one was there. I didn’t make it any further, I collapsed at that very moment, my mouth full of the most heinous taste imaginable!“
“Of course, dear, but who didn’t back in my day? One had to know a bit about common poisons to manage a household: calcium cyanide and strychnine for pest management, foxglove for one’s heart, phosphate for cleaning. If you’re suspicious of me for that, then every housewife from here to Timbuktu is a suspect. I’ll admit, I had recently read an article in Good Housekeeping about the amount of arsenic found in household rice, and I’d looked into how to remove it. The old ticker isn’t what it once was, you know, so I thought it best. But that’s it! I’d never have done something as awful as all this! This irritating family in my family’s home… They’re the closest thing I had to family those days. I wouldn’t, couldn’t hurt them.“
It reads:
“The tried one finds it hardly fun,
Sixty in an hour, and three fourths are done.”
As you inspect the handbag, something moves out of the corner of your eye. Ashes slip from the fireplace and begin to swirl about out of reach of the flames, filling the air with a dusty haze before molding itself into the shape of the elderly neighbor, Birdie.
“Oh, it’s you, the academic. Well look here! There’s been another murder!”
“That little girl may not have been alive, but she was here, and now she’s not! Why are you looking at me like that? You can’t possibly think I had anything to do with it! I may have pushed for stricter punishment for the McDermott children, but nothing like this! Those kids needed a steadying hand, like I did when I was young. I bet you never would’ve guessed I was also a bit of a rapscallion at Elsie’s age. Well I was, and my interference only came from a place of caring. Plus, having the little hellion remind me so much of myself, growing up in the house I did, she felt like family, and I felt obligated to step in from time to time when her and her brother’s shenanigans got out of hand.“
“Let me think. Once everyone arrived home all at once, there was quite a bit of confusion. No one seemed to care that I was there, but I was used to such discourtesy. Vera snuck away, and as I was about to follow her I was interrupted by her sister-in-law, Jane. Vera returned with a tray full of cocoa cups, and I politely accepted one. That was my mistake, I take it. I was in the middle of telling Vera all about how Elsie must have made off with that gnome of mine when she awkwardly collapsed to the ground! I looked around and everyone was gone except for Aunt Jane! Where had they all sidled off to? No doubt to conspire! I started to feel a bit unwell myself, and darted out into the hall to catch them in the act! Unfortunately, no one was there. I didn’t make it any further, I collapsed at that very moment, my mouth full of the most heinous taste imaginable!“
“Of course, dear, but who didn’t back in my day? One had to know a bit about common poisons to manage a household: calcium cyanide and strychnine for pest management, foxglove for one’s heart, phosphate for cleaning. If you’re suspicious of me for that, then every housewife from here to Timbuktu is a suspect. I’ll admit, I had recently read an article in Good Housekeeping about the amount of arsenic found in household rice, and I’d looked into how to remove it. The old ticker isn’t what it once was, you know, so I thought it best. But that’s it! I’d never have done something as awful as all this! This irritating family in my family’s home… They’re the closest thing I had to family those days. I wouldn’t, couldn’t hurt them.“