FIREPLACE
The masterfully large fireplace has lit itself, the malicious inferno viciously lashing outward like fiery tendrils trying to escape. The flames lick the underside of the mantle on which the neighbor’s handbag sits safely just out of reach. The creepy portrait of Mr. McDermott has fallen, partially revealing the holes hidden behind it.
Avoiding the flames, you creep close and examine the holes behind the fallen portrait of Mr. McDermott. In one of the smaller holes, the one previously covered by the right eye, you notice a small folded bit of parchment.
It reads:
“The tried one finds it hardly fun,
Sixty in an hour, and three fourths are done.”
You grab the handbag from off the mantle and turn it upside down. All that falls out is a pamphlet:
As you rummage through the handbag for any hidden pockets, something moves out of the corner of your eye. Ashes from the fireplace begin to swirl about, filling the air with a dusty haze before molding itself into the shape of the elderly neighbor, Birdie.
“I’ve caught you red handed you scoundrel! Isn’t there a detective nearby? Arrest this thief at once!”
“Do you think you can intimidate me? Think again!“
“Relax lady, I’m no thief.”
“Oh, so I suppose you were just helping to clean my bag?”
“I haven’t the slightest idea of what you’re talking about! First, you attempt to burgle my bag, and now you accuse me of kidnapping? What a hairbrained charge, and from a delinquent no less. Even if I wanted to punish Elsie for, say, stealing my property, I’m afraid I don’t have the know-how, not in this spiritual realm. Someone, however, clearly does.“
“Let me think. Once everyone arrived home all at once, there was quite a bit of confusion. No one seemed to care that I was there, but I was used to such discourtesy. Vera snuck away, and as I was about to follow her I was interrupted by her sister-in-law, Jane. Vera returned with a tray full of cocoa cups, and I politely accepted one. That was my mistake, I take it. I was in the middle of telling Vera all about how Elsie must have made off with that gnome of mine when she awkwardly collapsed to the ground! I looked around and everyone was gone except for Aunt Jane! Where had they all sidled off to? No doubt to conspire! I started to feel a bit unwell myself, and darted out into the hall to catch them in the act! Unfortunately, no one was there. I didn’t make it any further, I collapsed at that very moment, my mouth full of the most heinous taste imaginable!“
“More accusations from the crook, I see. Please, I knew a thing or two about cooking! I had read a Good Housekeeping article recently about the alarming amount of arsenic contained in everyday run-of-the-mill rice, and had done some research into removing the deadly metalloid for my health. Listen, I’m not the monster you want me to be. Did the children of this house need stricter punishments? More moral guidance? Absolutely! But they were children. I was a rascal too, once. All children are. I wanted them to be better out of the goodness of my heart, nothing nefarious. In a way, they were very much like family to me. They did live in my house, after all. No one could do something so sinister to a family member, could they?“
It reads:
“The tried one finds it hardly fun,
Sixty in an hour, and three fourths are done.”
As you rummage through the handbag for any hidden pockets, something moves out of the corner of your eye. Ashes from the fireplace begin to swirl about, filling the air with a dusty haze before molding itself into the shape of the elderly neighbor, Birdie.
“I’ve caught you red handed you scoundrel! Isn’t there a detective nearby? Arrest this thief at once!”
“Do you think you can intimidate me? Think again!“
“Relax lady, I’m no thief.”
“Oh, so I suppose you were just helping to clean my bag?”
“Relax lady, I’m no thief.”
“Oh, so I suppose you were just helping to clean my bag?”
“I haven’t the slightest idea of what you’re talking about! First, you attempt to burgle my bag, and now you accuse me of kidnapping? What a hairbrained charge, and from a delinquent no less. Even if I wanted to punish Elsie for, say, stealing my property, I’m afraid I don’t have the know-how, not in this spiritual realm. Someone, however, clearly does.“
“Let me think. Once everyone arrived home all at once, there was quite a bit of confusion. No one seemed to care that I was there, but I was used to such discourtesy. Vera snuck away, and as I was about to follow her I was interrupted by her sister-in-law, Jane. Vera returned with a tray full of cocoa cups, and I politely accepted one. That was my mistake, I take it. I was in the middle of telling Vera all about how Elsie must have made off with that gnome of mine when she awkwardly collapsed to the ground! I looked around and everyone was gone except for Aunt Jane! Where had they all sidled off to? No doubt to conspire! I started to feel a bit unwell myself, and darted out into the hall to catch them in the act! Unfortunately, no one was there. I didn’t make it any further, I collapsed at that very moment, my mouth full of the most heinous taste imaginable!“
“More accusations from the crook, I see. Please, I knew a thing or two about cooking! I had read a Good Housekeeping article recently about the alarming amount of arsenic contained in everyday run-of-the-mill rice, and had done some research into removing the deadly metalloid for my health. Listen, I’m not the monster you want me to be. Did the children of this house need stricter punishments? More moral guidance? Absolutely! But they were children. I was a rascal too, once. All children are. I wanted them to be better out of the goodness of my heart, nothing nefarious. In a way, they were very much like family to me. They did live in my house, after all. No one could do something so sinister to a family member, could they?“